New Year , new start same old feelings

Well I enjoyed Christmas for a change and actually felt quite uplifted  by it. The downside for me is always the fact that the main emphasis appears to be on spending a load of money that most people can barely afford and being cheered on doing it by an ever more cynical and greedy retail sector.
The aftermath though does leave me feeling depressed and although I have actually been at work for 3 days over the Christmas period I still feel a great deal of anxiety about the main return to work tomorrow. Actually it feels like I am playing Russian Roulette with a 9mm semi automatic in terms of my stability.
I just hope I can weather this period again and come around.

Black dogs

Deep shades of despair haunt me,
Night and day are an endless drudge.
There is little joy or hope around me, darkness follows me like an infernal shade.

Brexit

Well it would appear that the UK had a collective blond moment last Thursday and allowed small minded nationalism to win the day.
That out and out lies were told there can be no doubt. That some people tried to use the situation for their own agrandisement has become evident by the events of the last 24 hours.
Get over it we are told , well I for one will not get over it as I have a son who has had a whole potential future stolen from him by the selfish small minded actions of my countrymen.
Get over it - not when this has brought out the vile racists spouting their bile and their vile beliefs on the street corners of this country.
Get over it - not whilst ignorance and stupidity stalk the land.

It's Snowing!

The incessant rain has finally given way to a cold snap here and about 17:00 it started to snow. Lightly at first but then with greater insistence.
I was concerned that a night out with a good friend would not happen but then remembered his desire to play with his 4wd monster truck. So we had a nice couple of hours in the pub and  couple of drinks to pass the time befote heading home in the snow.
Time to take my dog out for a last walk.  He enjoys the snow with a wholw load of fresh scents to keep him amused.
I found mysekf thinking that I actually love snowy nights and the thing I like most is the profound silence I can hear.
Bit of a contradiction that but its true I love to hear the silence.  No cars,  no sirens, no people just the gentle sound of the falling snow. However in that silence I can hear the sound of eternity and it brings me an inner peace that I rarely find outside of nights like this.

From the mouths of babes...

Come the most interesting questions..

Today's late evening question from the enquiring mind of my 11 year old was
"why don't people believe in God?"

Phew that is a deep one - mind you it followed shortly on the heels of
"where does my consciousness come from?"
earlier in the evening.

Both of these are not easy questions to answer and both of them have taxed the minds of philosophers, sages, doctors and psychiatrists for centuries and to date I am not certain if anyone has come up with a satisfactory answer.

Certainly among the answers to the first one of these is one of choice, people choose not to believe in a God for a variety of reasons, they see the ills of the world around them and find it hard to believe that a caring and compassionate deity could allow them to happen. Some lose faith over a period of time believing that other ways may lead to a more caring and compassionate world and that by their actions following this path, they will help achieve this. Others don't even see a God in this world, all they see is themselves as their own God in their own corner of the universe selfishly believing that they are right to do as they see fit and be damned to the rest of the world.

For myself I have both lost and found faith over the years and take some small comfort in that faith.

Not of picturing a saintly looking bearded man in the sky, smiling benevolently at his creation, but of looking around me and seeing the wind, the skies, the stars , the plants and the animals and yes the other people around me and feeling that this is the true nature of God in creation. I do wonder at wars and the unfortunate ills of the world but I also acknowledge that God gave us free will and we use that to the good or ill in the world which we inhabit for such a short space of time.

I hope that I am using my time here to the good!

Back to the grind?

Here I find myself again sat in the office I share with my colleagues, although at the moment I sit here alone. 
I happen to like the quiet time of  the office almost if not more than when the office is busy and noisy.
It gives me a quiet space in which to think what the day and at this time the coming year will bring.
I know I am going to find the next few weeks a bit difficult personally as it runs up to the 10th anniversary of my fathers passing.  I miss both my parents immensely especially at this time of year.
So I take comfort in the silence around me that gives me time to think and remember and to quietly thank God for all the good memories I have of this time of year.

A la recherche du temps perdu

This year has really taken its toll following Colin's passing and it really took me a long time to come to terms with the reality of it.

In some respects it did raise doubts with me for a while, however I feel that it has strengthened me in other ways in that I perhaps value the life I have and the people around me more than I previously thought I did.

When someone passes it leaves a void for a time that you think it is impossible to fill and to a degree it is impossible to fill it - mainly because the person who has passed is no longer there as a physical person, so you have no one to interact with and get a response from regarding what they think or how they feel.

What is left to you though is a memory of the personality and a rememberance of their persona that allows you to think the thought "What would X have thought of that?" or "What would Y have said about that". Sometimes this can be a positive feeling and help you gain another perspective from a point outside yourself but within your own persona, which has taken an imprint of the other persons attitudes and beliefs.

It helps me sometimes to do this as it helps in the rememberance of the person who has passed.