A la recherche du temps perdu

This year has really taken its toll following Colin's passing and it really took me a long time to come to terms with the reality of it.

In some respects it did raise doubts with me for a while, however I feel that it has strengthened me in other ways in that I perhaps value the life I have and the people around me more than I previously thought I did.

When someone passes it leaves a void for a time that you think it is impossible to fill and to a degree it is impossible to fill it - mainly because the person who has passed is no longer there as a physical person, so you have no one to interact with and get a response from regarding what they think or how they feel.

What is left to you though is a memory of the personality and a rememberance of their persona that allows you to think the thought "What would X have thought of that?" or "What would Y have said about that". Sometimes this can be a positive feeling and help you gain another perspective from a point outside yourself but within your own persona, which has taken an imprint of the other persons attitudes and beliefs.

It helps me sometimes to do this as it helps in the rememberance of the person who has passed.

Strange Emotions

This week has been one of the strangest I have encountered in a very long time and has left me feeling quite sad, confused and to a large degree very depressed.
Sadly I had to attend the funeral of a very dear and close friend who, at the same age as myself, succumbed to cancer after a very short but ultimately courageous fight, at the end of March. I saw him a few weeks before he passed and we talked, all too briefly to be sure, and it was is we had never been apart.
We had been friends for about 36 years, meeting on our first day at university and keeping in touch despite the distance between us ever since. We would talk every so often and meet on occasions and yet it never felt as though we were apart and could pick up where we left off.
Bizarrely our career paths sort of shadowed one another although with slight nuances between them.
Now the earth has borne my friend away and I feel like I have abandoned him even though my own beliefs tell me that he is in safe hands.
The funeral service we held for him was full of rejoicing and thankfulness for the life he had lived and the lives he had touched and the contributions he had made. Everyone who was there had only wonderful things to say about him and I was happy he was remembered fondly by so many.
I don't think I previously understood the concept of 'Anam Cara' - the soul kinship that some feel until this moment but I do now and my heart feels torn in two by the loss of the brother of my soul and I pray that you rest peacefully till we meet again.

A Woman Bishop

And about  time too.

Today's consecration of the first woman as a Bishop here in England is something of a turning point here in England.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-30984743

Actually I think personally this is a great day only marred by someone who let their own prejudices ring out in an unseemly fashion which did nothing to improve the validity of his case or his arguments against this historic move.

A Turn Up

About ten days ago I discovered that I had lost a gold chain that I habitually wear around my neck. More importantly, to me at least, was the fact that I had also lost the gold crucifix that was on the chain and which was my promise to myself about my renewed feelings of faith when I was deep in a crisis of personal despair about four years ago.
I think I had effectively gone into a period of mourning about this loss and was just about over the loss, mainly due to my wife realising how much the chain meant to me and her buying me a replacement as a very early and very welcome Christmas present, when, whilst cleaning up some things in my sons bedroom the cross made a very welcome reappearance.
How it got there I can only speculate - probably I had been cleaning up previously and had lost it - but the fact was that I had got it back again. It felt once again like a promise renewed and the hand of an old and trusted friend was back where it should be. All my other burdens seemed to have been lifted by finding it and putting it back where it belongs both around my neck and in my heart.
I have to say that this episode also reminds me of how I felt when my christian beliefs also became important in my life again and it makes me remember how much the knowledge that I am never truly alone because God is always present with me even when I despair.

The Failing Year

Strange title for a post this time and to some extent its a bit of a summary as to how this year has been with this blog.

I have manifestly failed to make many entries - mainly due ot my own laziness I suppose but also because I have failed to do a great deal.

The latter is mainly due to a knee injury in April whilst cycling to work where I pulled or strained a ligament in my knee that was extremely painful to say the least and which only seemed to come right towards the end of August to early September.

This has hindered a lot of cycling, mountain biking  walking and climbing and in some part has contributed to me being on downward spiral for the vast majority of the year and so I have not felt like (metaphorically) putting pen to paper.

October was marginally better and I managed a couple days in Scotland's mountain bike heaven - the 7 Stanes (@7Stanes) with a good friend and colleague which helped recover some of my confidence in my abilities.

Work has been insanely busy and this has prevented me making my usual midweek visits to the church in the town centre here and which I was beginning to miss quite keenly. Happily this situation seems to be resolving itself now and there is a sense of calm returning and this has enabled me to actually make a couple of services over the past two weeks. I actually feel quite excited about the prospect of Christmas and the Christmas story now and there is a sense of anticipation building that the season is coming towards us.

So maybe the failing year in terms of the amount of time left in the year is bringing to an end a failing year for me with the hope that seems to be being born with the approach of Christmas and a new hope for the next year.

Seasons moving on

The last time I wrote it was the start of spring and now we are standing on the threshold of Autumn.
In terms of it being a personally successful few months I would say it was not good.
The problem with my knee cast a shadow over most of the spring and summer as all my plans  for walking, climbing and biking went by the by. Needless to say this set me back quite badly and I am only now getting back to some level of fitness and with that a level off mental health that goes with it  for me. Lets just hope that the Autumn gets much better.

Its Spring

Well here we are in Lent and it feels awesome this year. Spring has also made an appearance to coincide with it and so although its a time for contemplation it feels like lefe renewed and reinvigorated already.
I managed a really good ride on my road bike this morning and could see amd hear spring all around me- glorious!